Passion, Desire
by serious-writer-from-turke
Summary: Harry has a dream leading to romance, angst, adventure...


Disclaimer:- This is Laura. I don't know any of these people and neither does rickledick Rachel. (Though she did do Nurse Molko once. Long story.) Anyways, none of these characters belong to us. At all. Sorry if we offend anyone. Woo. We are just serious turkish writers trying to get by in a cruel, cruel world. Thankyou. 

Laura and Rachel present:

**It was freezing and dark in Australia at night. In the cold. And the dark. In Australia. The car had broken down when the engine fell out in Sydney and they didn't notice and Darren filled the tank with red bull instead of gas. Daniel instantly blamed Darren, cursing him slightly. **

CHAPTER 1 

It was freezing and dark in Australia at night. In the cold. And the dark. In Australia. The car had broken down when the engine fell out in Sydney and they didn't notice and Darren filled the tank with red bull instead of gas. Daniel instantly blamed Darren, cursing him slightly. 

"FUCK YOU DARREN. FUCK YOU."

Darren wept. 

"Daniel I'm sorry! Why are we in Hobart?"

"COZ TASMANIA IS COOL!"

"Are you stoned?"

"yes."

"Oh ok."

"ONWARDS TO BRISBANE!"

"IN WHAT?!"

"OUR MAGIC BICYCLES!"

"WHAT? Man, why do you always turn to drugs?"

"Well why do you put sweet and tasty beverages in our car?!"

"It isn't OUR car! We said g'bye to everything that was ours when we split remember!!!"

"SPIDERMAN!"

"Dude, you are so wasted."

Daniel started to laugh manically. Darren kicked the car wheel with his football boots. 

"Where are they from dude?"

"The hitchhiker we have in our car!"

Daniel looked in the steamy window, 

"Woah!"

"What?"

"It's SPIDERMAN!!!"

"DUDE!"

"Haw haw haw haw."

Darren kicked it again. 

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"What?"

"I broke my leg!"

"DUDE!"

Darren began to cry. Again. Daniel bent down and examined his leg carefully and gently, 

"Darren?" He said seriously. 

"Yes?" Darren asked.

"We may have to" Daniel paused dramatically, "Eat your leg."

"WHAT?!"

"Bite it offthat's itbite it all off"

"DUDE!"

"Can I?"

"NO!" 

"Damnit. Well what DO we eat then bitch?"

Darren thinks, "I KNOW! WE CAN EAT-"

"SPIDERMAN????"

"NO! THE HITCHIKER!"

They opened the car door and the hitchhiker was gone. In the distance they could see him pedalling away on their magical bicycles. 

"DAMN YOU!" Daniel yelled, "AND ALL THE GOD DAMN HOBOS!!"

"Only one solution," Darren said quietly.

"You don't mean"

"Yes." Darren said, "Yes. Get the ECK."

"OK."

Daniel went in the trunk and got out a large case that said in big pink letters "EMERGENCY CROSS-DRESSING KIT".

"I'll be the hooker!"

"NO! You always get to be the hooker!"

"You were it last time!"

"You be the nurse!"

"Oh ok. But only coz the hat compliments my features."

"You're so right sexy." Darren purred, "RROOWWW!"

Suddenly Elijah Wood comes along, 

"THIS IS MY SPOT! I DON'T LET PEOPLE RENT IT OUT!"

"Woah. It's that small dude."

"Shuddup Nursie. Fuckin stoner."

"Go to hell big eyes!"

"SPIDERMAN!"

"Dude, you are as wasted as I am!"

They all went to Rome, and travelled back in time to the year 3000. Not much had changed but they lived under water. And Darren's great great great grand-daughter was pretty fine. 

"WOO WE'RE IN ROME!"

"OH MY GOD!!"

Then suddenly Mrs Cochrane entered in a blinding flash of madness, holding a pineapple. 

"WOOOOOO ARGH GYM MAT!!!" She said with a sob. 

Daniel suddenly fell in love with Mrs Cochrane and began to WOO her, in his clinging nurses outfit. 

"Yoooouuu are sooooo beautifultoo meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

Darren was all like, "Dude! Oh my god! You big gay!"

And everyone stared at Darren just as Daniel got down on one knee. 

"YES!" Darren yelled happily, "At last!"

"Fuck off retard, I meant Judiath."

"Who the hell is Judiath?"

Daniel looked up with big, large, animal, gay, pineapple, comely, exciting, homoheretic, strange, spiderman eyes at Mrs Cochrane. 

"No fucking way!" Darren screamed in fortune cookies. 

The time machine whipped them away to the real time again and they were suddenly in a hut. Made of pigs. 

"Dude!" Elijah Wood said with wide eyes (???), "We're in a hut made of pigs!"

"Getting tattoos!" Daniel told them from where he was sitting having a tattoo done. It said I love Judiath. 

Just to spite him Darren told the tatooist (who was a dyslexic siamese twin, half of whom was called Neil and the other half was called Phil) that he wanted I love Colby' all over his body, except his nipples. But being dyslexic retards, they put I love Daniel'. 

Darren curled into a little ball of pain. "OWWWW!"

"Shut up Darren!" Daniel said cruelly, "You big gay!"

"STOP SAYING THAT! IT DOES MY HEAD IN!"

"WELL IT DOES MY HEAD IN WHEN YOU SHAKE YOUR LEG UP AND DOWN ALL THE TIME!"

"IT'S A TRAPPED NERVE DANIEL!"

"GAY!"

"GEEK!"

"HOMO!"

"HEFFER!"

"SPIDERMAN!"

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?!"

"GOLD-PANTS!"

"MARRY ME?"

"BIG GAY!"

"OK STOP!" Elijah Wood yelled with a hearing aid, "I'M OUTTI. GUD BYE."

So Daniel went wedding dress shopping with Darren and Darren was sulky and rock hard. 

"Is pink my colour?" Daniel asked, looking sexy in pink. 

"No" Darren muttered, as a lie. 

"Darren!" Daniel said in a camp voice, "Just whatever is the matter with you today? You are soflaky babes!"

"I LOVE YOU DANIEL!"

Daniel went to get the next size, humming to himself. 

"I LOVE YOU DANIEL GODDAMNIT!"

Daniel tried the dress on, looking at himself in the mirror.

"DANIEL!! GIVE ME ATTENTION!"

Daniel continued to hum as Darren danced around the shop shouting, 

"DANIEL! DANIEL! DANIEL!"

Daniel bought the dress and left, leaving Darren all alone in his Star wars underwear. 

PARAGRAPHS! SEE THIS IS A REAL STORY!

"Gotta lil crush" Darren sung to himself on the day of the wedding, his face alight with tears, "ooooooooooo, I just can't get enough of that stuff **sniff** such a rush welcome to the 1980me"

Stands up with a massive grin and yells, "I'm dreaming of a boy, a very special guy, I wish that I could pluck, pluck!"

Daniel came in and said, 

"Your pluck is all wrong Darren."

"Stop putting me down Daniel! You're always putting me down! Why?! Why?! Do you like putting me down! Do you, do you, do you enjoy it Daniel? WHY? It **_hurts_** me"

Daniel walked off with a smile murmuring, "Darren's on the rag"

Darren gave him the death look which was a look of death and rugby tackled him from behind, 

"ARGH!! ARGH!" Darren whispered, pulling daniel'sears.

"Get off Darren, I think this is beyond a joke." (The camp voice was back)

Darren got off and said, 

"I don't want you to marry Judiath."

Daniel began to hum and walked out of the room. 

Darren began to slowly sing, "We are the cheeky girls, we are the cheeky girls" Tears running down his face and into his mouth, "We danced all night Danieldo you not remember?" He said to himself, "Cheeky cheeky"

THE DAY OF THE WEDDING 

^ Big pink title. See this is a real story. 

Daniel made Judiath walk down the aisle to The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum) because that was his and Darren's song. 

Judiath looked radiant in a dress crafted from pineapples and pigs. Everyone was crying. Darren was maid of honour in a big honey orange dress with lacy gloves and quaint ankle socks. He looked aristocratic.

The vicar was Gemma because of her long brown thatch and stunning scintillating organs of sight. Darren kept pinching her arse. 

"Do you Daniel Arabatic Penelope Worchester Crimson Diabolic Leon Spiderman Abe Twinkle Twinkle Big Gay Cheddar Stoner Jones take Judiath Cochrane to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"Yes, I Daniel Arabatic Penelope Worchester Crimson Diabolic Leon Spiderman Abe Twinkle Twinkle Big Gay Cheddar Stoner Jones take Judiath Cochrane to be my lawfully wedded hus- WHAT?!"

"Yes!" Darren yelled with a grin, "HUSBAND! Or should I sayhusbands!"

The chapel is suddenly transformed into the Blind Date studio. Darren wears a red wig and patent heels. 

"And tonight, Daniel Ara- fuck it- Jones, has chosenJudiath Cochrane! Or should I say-"

"Stop saying "Or should I say"" Sam said. Sam had appeared from nowhere. As you do. 

"-PHIL AND NEIL!"

**BIG GASP**

Daniel hums and walks off. 

Phil and Neil are actually Cochrane. Dear god. 

Gemma marries them both. There goes her cameo. (If you're under 11, or Sam, this means her little part in it)

Daniel returns with lots of notes and says, 

"Darren! I have an idea! Why don't-"

"Me and you get married?"

"Hell no! Why don't we take over the world!"

"Yeah! We can call it World Domination!"

"Don't be such a geek! We'll call it Daniel's Banana Domination."

"Dude!"

"I love it," Sam said, and Daniel fell in love with Sam. Darren fell on the floor crying. 

"I love you Sam." Daniel said, "Now before I impregnate you, lets take over the world!"

They left Darren in a heap and went to the Daniel's Banana Domination Centre in Chelsea. 

"But Daniel" Darren whispered as he sat alone on the Blind Date stools (all three of them, he's a very large man) "I'm having your baby"

**EASTENDERS MUSIC**

Darren hums along. 

The next day Daniel telephoned Darren from the Banana Domination Centre in Chelsea. 

"Hellloooo, Darren."

"Ja."

"What?"

"JA!"

"Oh. Wooo!! WOOOO!!! WOOO DARREN EH-WOO WOOO WOO!"

"Dude, are you stoned again?"

"Noooooo"

"Are you creating intercourse with Samantha?"

"No dude, I'm a fire engine."

"Oh." **Mutters** more like a fucking ambulance **mutters** damn samantha **mutters **with your god damn lettuce and coat hangers and ornamental garden featuresgrrrr.

"Darren, are you growling?"

"COME ON CLASSES!!!"

"That's four syllables. One, two, three, four. Tap, tap, tap, tap."

"There's no tap Daniel!"

"Tap, tap, tap, tap – four syllables."

"You fucking said already."

"Four. One, two, three-"

"OK!! I get it for fuck's sake! Four fucking syllables!"

"Ja."

"So," Darren said in a sulkyness, "How is the world domination proceeding?"

"Splendid. Woo. God I'm good. We hired some help."

"Ja?"

"Ja."

"Oh Daniel, do you remember? I asked you to dance at the disco. But you said no. The whole world was watchingand laughingon the day that I crashed and burnedat your feet"

"That is"

"If you dare tell me how many fucking syllables that's got I'll knock you out with my stomach."

"Haw haw haw haw haw haw haw."

"So, I'm painting my toenails."

"Darren?" Daniel said with an air of suspicion, "Are you pregnant?"

"Mebbe."

"Hmmmm."

"Ja."

"Woo!"

"Eh-woo!"

"Ja."

"Woo."

"Eh-woo."

"Daniel, I miss this. I miss you. Marry Me."

"Oh Darren," Daniel said with a smile, "Goodbye."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

^ Divider. (Woo)

"OPEN YOUR LEGS WIDER! WIDER DARREN! PUSH DARREN!"

"IT'S SO HARD!"

"PUSH, C'MON! YOU'RE DOING GREAT!"

"I'LL BE SORE TOMORROW!"

"IT'S A LITTLE WET AND STICKY BUT THAT'S NORMAL."

"ARGHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHH IT'S BEAUTIFUL!"

"STOP!"

Darren and Finbah stopped in the thralls of passion at Darren's cry. 

"I think my waters just broke Mr O-Dono man guy."

"Well physically that is quite possible seeing as nine months of pregnancy have been endured. The waters' are simply trapped fluid in the womb where the mountain sheep have been grazing on Erica's spikes and making their semen and the donkeys (mainly Zoe) have been eating. All day. Fat fat fat heffer. Obviously, in juxtapose, the concentration of membrane from the cerolysis to the hypotenuse implies deep physical torment and heftiness. This, combined with the photosynthesis of the capacity of michelle's area of nadir, the obvious growth of the sentimental alleles amounts to psenology, inevitably ending in great longitude and it's terminal velocity and geographical, geothermal dynamics will only further increase. The prolatarisation will plummet obsessively and, due to the process of meiosis, the mass that jodie contributes to the equation and the urbanisation techniques depicted in this tale of heroism and enchantment will spontaniously combust. The ring must go to mordor Frodo Baggins.

It's not rocket science."

"I have no inkling of what the fuck you just said."

"Let's get to a sanatorium Mr Hayes."

"Very well Finbah. If you would kindly remove your dick from my ass."

Regretfully he does. Then he removes the handcuffs. And hides the whip. And the sixteen vibrators. And the cherry glow in the dark condoms. And polishes the cock ring before putting it back in the cabinet. And wipes down the lubricant tubricant and returns it to it's drawer. And takes off his purple thong. And neatly folds away the bondage items. And puts on his wig. 

"Right, let's go home."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

^ Divider. 

The day of the birth of michelle on the day that it happened. Woo. Yeah.

Rachel was only very small when it happened to her but she was very brave and special woo.

It was a special day for all concerned. Daniel appeared in a suit of tweed and boating shoes and a bowlers hat with a broad rim that his pet stripper sat in. Sam was at his heel.

"Daniel."

"I love you too Sam."

"Daniel I love you."

"Me too. Sam."

"I love you Dan."

"Sam. Sam, sam, sam."

"Me too."

"Ja."

"I love you."

Darren slashed his wrists. No-one noticed. He sewed them back up, looking very put out that no one loved him. Meh, you can't win em all.

"Push Darren." Said Nurse Brian Molko Finnegan.

Sexy. Nehu.

**BREAK MY ****POP**** WHY DONTCHA BABYEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( THIS IS A REAL STORY RACHEL)**

She licked Darren affectionately on the ear. 

"MORNING HAS BROKENLIKE THE FIRST MORNING" Steve sung from the corner of the Tesco superstore, eating a pineapple in his wheelchair. 

"PUT YOUR HAND DOWN LITTLE STEVE!" Nurse Molko yelled from where she was having passionate sex with Finbah. 

"Darren," Daniel said seriously, flooring Sam with an elbow slam of joy and pain. 

"Yes?" Darren replied, swinging Michelle round by her hair like a helicopter. 

"Darren, I think, seeing you all maternal and covered in sweat and blood and with no arms and everythingyou just look so"

Darren smiled, "What Danny?"

"Socomely."

Darren grinned, "Well this baby is yours."

"No it's not!" Finbah said angrily.

"Shut...up." Darren said through his teeth with a hot poker. 

"Ok."

Daniel looked shocked and in stiff form and ready for mounting.

"Daniel, what does this mean?" Sam asked.

Daniel pushed Sam out of the window. A big gay beach bum Heath Ledger caught her as she died so she died happy.

"Darren," Daniel said seriously, "Let's call her Michelle Afro Hayes Heffer Stoner Jones. Because it will remind me of this moment."

"OK," Darren said, crying, "But I have something to tell you."

"What?"

"I'm dying"

"Of what?"

"Well apart from the bleeding because you cut my fucking arms off. Piles."

"Oh my god."

Brian Molko skipped in with a pie full of goodness. The Eastenders music starts.

Darren hums along. 

Harry Potter woke up with a start. It was all a horrible, horrible dream. 

(That may or may not be continued)


End file.
